When all you have left is hope

It is now going on week 6 since I walked away from my "toxic" job. I have a car payment due in a few days & the insurance payment due the following week. I have just enough money to sign up for a CPR class that I need to apply for a job as a Home Health Aide just to make ends meet. I still have another $40 that is needed to pay for a physical that is required to begin working. And I have been up most of the night & this morning, crying & praying, because it's all I have the strength to do right now. I have a plan, but I hope that God's plan is bigger than mine.

My kids say they are ok with not having/getting anything for Christmas again this year. Last year I was in a car accident,5days before Christmas, that left me without work until 4 days after Christmas & bills needing to be paid. My husband was laid-off due to the season, and I've yet to still make it up to them. He's laid off again, this time because of the economy & to top it all off, had rotator cup surgery & cannot go back to work until the Dr. ok's it. So you can imagine how hard it is to ask them, once again, to sit tight, when you know that's what they've been doing all along. I've filed for unemployment, but it has been denied twice. I gave all the proof they asked for because if you leave a job, you have to have "good reason" to in order to collect unemployment. Yet... it was not good enough & now I have the option to appeal again. Luckily, I signed up for nursing class. I've already paid my $100 to hold a spot for the State Test for Nurse Aides at the end of this month & pray & hope that I will pass it on the first try. I completed the course & also was awarded a Home Health Aide certificate along with the Certified Nurse Aide certificate.

This time of the year is hard for me because I keep getting asked to make food to take to get togethers, when I can't even keep the staples in my own home, yet alone feed a group of people who most times, don't appreciate the true value in my giving. I make due with what I have & I will share everything I have because I do it for God's glory. Yes, I cry because I don't know how my needs will be met, but I also know that I serve a God who is bigger than this. And through the tears, I lift my eyes to Him & praise His name, because I am not worthy of His grace & yet I am thankful that I have the promise of heaven waiting for me.

My kids weren't with me for Thanksgiving because they went to see their dad. I got lovingly reprimanded because I didn't bring deviled eggs to a get together with my husband's family because I was too ashamed to tell them that I could not afford to buy the 5 dozen eggs (I used that amount the year before) to supply their request. Funny, because they requested them, yet I never said I would be bringing them this year. Now, they are lovingly demanding them for Christmas & I still can't do it. I know... it's only 5 dozen eggs, but that's a gallon or two of milk for our house. Everyone sat around, planning their Black Friday shopping plan & though I never go out on that day, I couldn't even pull myself to look at the sale ads. I had nothing but less than $1 in coins in my purse, and a gift list from last year that has not been checked off. Now, everyone wants to get together for Christmas & I don't even want to go. My children will be with their dad, at least with him they will get something to open & gifts from his family. My mom sent me a check last year that I had to use towards bills instead of gifts. And... my birthday was back March & they sent me a card with $50in it, which I just used two weeks ago, to buy some groceries. I'm not really eating much these days because I'm making sure that the kids & my husband are eating. So, I just have a few bites but no one really pays attention to how little I'm eating anyways. My step-son on the other hand has a family who will give him anything he wants & brags about asking for all sorts of (expensive) things. But I was told I have to just smile & pretend that nothing is wrong because realizing it only makes you grown up & being grown up is no fun so let's just keep pretending because it's easier for the children to cope with. What??? There's a new one for me! I just counted 10 unused rolls of toilet paper in the bathroom & there is no milk in the fridge. And to be very honest with you, I can't use pretend money to replenish those items or pretend they are there when it's all gone, so pretending is not the answer.

If I go ask for food stamps, they will tell me that I am a horrible parent for leaving a good paying job, no matter what the situation was that caused me to leave it & that I should sell our vehicle because it's worth more than I'm making anyways. -NO, not "oh... I see you and your children are hungry & we are here to help you to get back on your feet."- That is the answer they give you... laden with guilt & helplessness.

I'm going on and on & I could go on for days about all that I don't have... but the real reason for today's blog is to talk about all that I do have.

I have hope. I have hope because my two children are the best at keeping me in check with having hope. They remind me that having just enough is okay & that it's better than most people have or get to experience. I have hope because my God, who provides for the earth & the animals, will provide for me. I have hope because I am no longer working for a place that never saw the real me, my real potential, never respected my belief in God or my place as a woman and that gave me what I needed to hold my head up high & walk away. I have hope because my nursing instructor believes in my ability to become a STNA & go even further & do greater work & go for the R.N. program. I have hope because my family in Florida loves me & though they cannot themselves help financially, they give 200% of their love & support. I have hope because though I have nothing to give to my children as a gift, I have them to love. I have hope that with God's help, I will finally have a path towards a career in the nursing field once I get accepted to attend college. I have hope because my church family doesn't mind that I forgot to put on water-proof mascara & look like Alice Cooper after praying & crying out to the Lord during altar call. I have hope because it is all that I have left. There are no real magic spells or fairy godmothers, but there is hope.